Thursday, April 12, 2007

[hearing abhi nahi aana -sona]
[feeling disruptive]

holding myself to be accountable ....
(a building up of emotions with no exit or escape)
Wish List?

jitna sub kuch sunbhaalnay ki koshish ker rahi hon utna bigarta ja raha hai.. koi ek sira tou haath aye kisi ek souch ka... koi ek baat tou mukammal ho paye mere demagh mein kabhi. pata nahe kya hai ..... sub kuch chor diya, infact sub ko chor diya phir bhi wohi restlessness, 2 din ka sakoon aur phir se wohi uljha hua demagh..wohi uljhan,, wohi bina neend ki raatein, wohi bar baar soutay soutay achanak jaag jana.. kuch bhi tou nahe budla ... huha. pata nahe kya darr hai, kya problem hai.

im so in a... in a bit of a... weird?... situation at the time... wonder if anyone can help me out at all. or at least help to make me feel better about it! haha nahe i guess maybe it isn't that weird a situation really, in the general scheme of things... just weird for me! not the kind of thing that happens every day (or ever, for that matter!)

it apprears i fell into writing without realizing it. n now its hampering me .. kabhi kabhi kitna chota sa sub kuch bhi kehna, sumjhana kitna mushkil ho jata haina? ... baat yeh haina kay mei chahti hee kis ko sumjhana hon... apnay aap ko? haan sirf mei hee tou hon .. per samajhti hee nahe. magar oh well, i'd like to be able to remember a time where life wasn't so complicated. :)

i just thought i was multi tasking instead i ended up messing with my yellowlane ... well... magar to be very honestly what i have to say is confusing and im not talking about it on here directly... - i wonder what it is like to believe that mutilation is disturbing rahter than beautiful. i'd like to get a little sleep at night. i wish i wouldnt talk to myself quite so much and think things over again n again until nothing quite makes sense anymore.

where i didn't know i was ugly and strange, and where my happiness didnt depend so much on other people's judgements.. or myabe my own. i want a perfect body. i want a simple soul. i wish being with jia didnt hurt quite so much.


i'd like to have a stronger resolve. if i could accept myself, maybe other people could begin to ... kuch nahe.. chalo chaltay hain ab yahan se. why do i even bother trying to sort my disability out. fcuk. :)



but i can't help being jealous of you.
WHY ME?! - 'i yield myself one minute.
i dont' belong here,
n i don't care if it hurts...
anymore.

g'night.
6:24 am-

0 lend me some sugar.

 

written by jia.

  ..so lately i have been in this stay-up-till 7am, ungrammatical, nostalgic, talk to myself. paranoid, insomniac, wide eyed, and a little intense. okie maybe little is an understatement. wish i knew if i wanted stability more than the complete range of emotions and melodrama. if only life could be summarized in one simple word...good or bad. -im too young to be stuck somewhere in the middle, sitting on a fence and whining about it. no, i cant write an intro for myself, hence i ask you to read the damn blog. maybe.. you'll find out more through my posts. n in the meanwhile take a panadol handy.. .

tell me you luv me..

Terror Alert Level -

dynasty -

One crow sorrow
Two crows mirth
Three crows a joining
Four crows a birth
Five crows lucky
Six crows cold
Seven crows a secret
Never to be told

mantra -

 

- Lately...

 When I was a child
a story was told
about the devil
and a girl so bold.
He offered her riches,
a fortune of gold,
and lovers abound.
But she lifted her soul,
she lifted her soul clean.
Like the story was told
on a dark country road
the same man appeared to me...

But I reached, I reached
through the rain to the Devil's feet.

Now twenty years later
to the place I return where I scorned the angels
for a passion that burned.
There set in a tree
a knot twisted and turned,
the face of a creature Hell bound.
So long ago
could my mind've played jokes on me?
As darkness sets in,
unavoidable sin,
the truth I try not to believe....

That I reached, I reached
through the rain to the Devil's feet.

-by Azure Ray

 

ode to meaning..

_________________

One Tree Hill - New Zealand.
Dedicated to Xulfee Bhai, who chose to die in the Summer of 2003 Oct 7.

calm before the storm

_________________

Numb by Linkin Park

And i know
I may end up failing too
But i know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you..
I've become so Numb...I can't feel you there.

moon phase

calculated distractions

• aZ!
• max
• Aks
• Atif
• Ines
• just iffi
• jaali jojo

broken promises ..

said he: tum jaisay doosron say bhaagti ho aur chupati ho .. wohi mere saath bhi kiya....  "  

~*~  current mood ...

                 

coffee files...

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