Saturday, May 19, 2007

[i stray umm? ..is all of me?
[i sway to breathe -faith hill]

Thinking i could innocently..
and i wonder what it does to my consciousness

i feel silent for most of my day these days. watching movies and ... i think i need to be medicated, and carefully learn, in order to function at a level where i can cope in the real world. n you know i want the real world. i luv it n want to be in it. ... i guess something is working, something is changing, because i am unwilling to wallow in it now. i am about to force myself out of this bed/ rooms/ ghar/relatives/disability/dos n dont/responsibilities and go out and complete the list of errands i want to do in my life.

ammi is still feeling not so well. n im kind of disturbed cause of that. i seriously want to have a day where..somewhere, with shade and flowers maybe, and eat a picnic, and look at the clouds and look for shapes in them. want to soak my body in heavy rain, want to do something that.. anything anything (even drug or those injections, slashing skin or.. or what not!) that could help me forgetting myself. a change of scenery. a change of state of mind.

wish i could hand somebody all the broken pieces and say "fix this" and they could fix it, and then they would, and life would start getting a little easier for me.

don't really know what to say. it kind of sucks that when im hungry nothing looks or sounds good.. lurking is the belly, rest seem so dumb, so is my head.

lately i like abrupt endings.



sleep well yellowlane, :)
6:59 am

0 lend me some sugar.

 
written by jia.

  ..so lately i have been in this stay-up-till 7am, ungrammatical, nostalgic, talk to myself. paranoid, insomniac, wide eyed, and a little intense. okie maybe little is an understatement. wish i knew if i wanted stability more than the complete range of emotions and melodrama. if only life could be summarized in one simple word...good or bad. -im too young to be stuck somewhere in the middle, sitting on a fence and whining about it. no, i cant write an intro for myself, hence i ask you to read the damn blog. maybe.. you'll find out more through my posts. n in the meanwhile take a panadol handy.. .

tell me you luv me..

Terror Alert Level -

Terror Alert Level

dynasty -

One crow sorrow
Two crows mirth
Three crows a joining
Four crows a birth
Five crows lucky
Six crows cold
Seven crows a secret
Never to be told

mantra -
 

- Lately...

 When I was a child
a story was told
about the devil
and a girl so bold.
He offered her riches,
a fortune of gold,
and lovers abound.
But she lifted her soul,
she lifted her soul clean.
Like the story was told
on a dark country road
the same man appeared to me...

But I reached, I reached
through the rain to the Devil's feet.

Now twenty years later
to the place I return where I scorned the angels
for a passion that burned.
There set in a tree
a knot twisted and turned,
the face of a creature Hell bound.
So long ago
could my mind've played jokes on me?
As darkness sets in,
unavoidable sin,
the truth I try not to believe....

That I reached, I reached
through the rain to the Devil's feet.

-by Azure Ray

 

ode to meaning..

_________________

One Tree Hill - New Zealand.
Dedicated to Xulfee Bhai, who chose to die in the Summer of 2003 Oct 7.

calm before the storm

_________________

Numb by Linkin Park

And i know
I may end up failing too
But i know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you..
I've become so Numb...I can't feel you there.

moon phase
 

calculated distractions

broken promises ..

said he: tum jaisay doosron say bhaagti ho aur chupati ho .. wohi mere saath bhi kiya....  "  

~*~  current mood ...

                 

coffee files...

'someone once said...

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