Friday, April 13, 2007

[listening to abhi nahe aana -sona]
[current mood daddy's little girl is not feeling so fine]

Replacing one addiction for another..

surprisingly my day was as exact bad as i expected it to be. had a fight with ammi just before my morning tea. in evening i even offend bhai with my bad temperament n didnt even feel sorrie for that.. at night... took around half a strip of poor sleeping pills that couldnt zonk me for more than a hour or so n then i was lying on my bed wide awake, sat in the dark of my bedroom and cried. and bled. (no i did not have my blades with me :) and felt the emptiness inside. now its 5 something in the morning and i just got out of the bed. listening to abhi nahe aana on repeat and observing how im just luving the smoothness of its guitar spells. wishing someone would ask me about it all so i can rant and scream and get it all out. but they wont ... so i'll do it in more silent ways.

after posting my yellowlanes last night i thought long and hard about where im going. what i want, and where i'd gone wrong. but found no clue. been constantly fighting to keep myself going. i want to run, just run from everything n everyone. from myself. - my head is everywhere at the moment. can't i just contain it all within? why the hell have i started reacting so much? mei aisi tou nahe thi ...i just have to regain the control. .. i want a squeezing hug from my hamster. want to hide myself in someone's arms n cry till i ...

this wasn't ever supposed to happen.
i was supposed to protect my hamster from myself.
n i know my behaviour n reactions are stinging `em like anything.





on a lighter side.. nadia bought me this new pair of beautiful handmade chappal from Islamabad. :) which is looking not so good on me eh :# haha .. :)

5:28am

0 lend me some sugar.

 

written by jia.

  ..so lately i have been in this stay-up-till 7am, ungrammatical, nostalgic, talk to myself. paranoid, insomniac, wide eyed, and a little intense. okie maybe little is an understatement. wish i knew if i wanted stability more than the complete range of emotions and melodrama. if only life could be summarized in one simple word...good or bad. -im too young to be stuck somewhere in the middle, sitting on a fence and whining about it. no, i cant write an intro for myself, hence i ask you to read the damn blog. maybe.. you'll find out more through my posts. n in the meanwhile take a panadol handy.. .

tell me you luv me..

Terror Alert Level -

dynasty -

One crow sorrow
Two crows mirth
Three crows a joining
Four crows a birth
Five crows lucky
Six crows cold
Seven crows a secret
Never to be told

mantra -

 

- Lately...

 When I was a child
a story was told
about the devil
and a girl so bold.
He offered her riches,
a fortune of gold,
and lovers abound.
But she lifted her soul,
she lifted her soul clean.
Like the story was told
on a dark country road
the same man appeared to me...

But I reached, I reached
through the rain to the Devil's feet.

Now twenty years later
to the place I return where I scorned the angels
for a passion that burned.
There set in a tree
a knot twisted and turned,
the face of a creature Hell bound.
So long ago
could my mind've played jokes on me?
As darkness sets in,
unavoidable sin,
the truth I try not to believe....

That I reached, I reached
through the rain to the Devil's feet.

-by Azure Ray

 

ode to meaning..

_________________

One Tree Hill - New Zealand.
Dedicated to Xulfee Bhai, who chose to die in the Summer of 2003 Oct 7.

calm before the storm

_________________

Numb by Linkin Park

And i know
I may end up failing too
But i know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you..
I've become so Numb...I can't feel you there.

moon phase

calculated distractions

• aZ!
• max
• Aks
• Atif
• Ines
• just iffi
• jaali jojo

broken promises ..

said he: tum jaisay doosron say bhaagti ho aur chupati ho .. wohi mere saath bhi kiya....  "  

~*~  current mood ...

                 

coffee files...

'someone once said...

• The Last Unicorn -Peter S. Beagle"I know you. I al...
• [hearing abhi nahi aana -sona][feeling disruptive]...
• One moment of luv, exposed..could change your life...
• [current mood uncomfortable, n im terrible at goin...
• ''kahin tou dil mei yaadon ki ek sooli garh jati h...
• The Boy Inside the TurtleYesterday was an extra-lo...
• The Velveteen Rabbit -Margery Williams"What is Rea...
• Unfaithful -by rihanna.[audio to d.load]
• How To Save A Life dedicated.Step one you say we n...
• what kind of cake are you?You Are a Lemon Cake Str...

 

MYSTERY CARROT AWARD
for website adequacy