Sunday, August 27, 2006

Quote Of The day...

there is no redemption in regret.



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
somewhere down the road..

www.yellowlane.blogdrive.com


stolen from somewhere ....
when your science teacher smashed a frozen rose with a hammer, did you warm the petals to bring them back to life?

0 lend me some sugar.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006

[listening to tere bin -atif aslam, _OST bas ek pal]
[current mood later.. ]

i like avoiding and im really good at it..
you bet!!

ugh,,
sometimes, like today im so full of fury inside at things that i cannot put my fingers on that i want to scream out loud. phir bhi trying to sit very still n quite because i feel as though i might explode and i fear the outcome. .... a part of me saying dont write this now haha, but i have been through it many times n having days like today is a part of my process. i know na. magar the thing is why do i feel the need to hide this side of me from people? khair it happens. i need to behave.

the question is where the whole zombie thing came from that is plauging me for over a year. i think the answer is anything you want. the key is allowing the uncomfortable feelings to come up and not chase them away. anyway let it consume me, n so forth.

hmm this new part of life that i have just begun is good but making so many other decisions a million times harder and making priorities so much more important...am realising that life is not going to stay this way..it is time to grow up. ... i luv it when i realise stuff like this. it makes me feel like i have a greater understanding of myself. -

i think i'll just go to bed.




jia,
5:27am.

P.s. the song is just FANTABULOUSTA!!

0 lend me some sugar.
Monday, August 21, 2006

smiles to the lights.
he shifts n soar.


call my oversymbolic or whatever.

0 lend me some sugar.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006

[current mood don't ask me, or i'll bite you ' KHA JAON?]
[listen to my all -mariah carey]


Redeemer -

with alot of (good) cooking sessions, a luvly weather, a truckload of my type's music, whole lotta luv, 9 new gul ahmed's kurti'es in my wardrobe, a handful of new earing pairs, my favourite lip-liners n pencils, a complete new range of bracelets, (wish i could take pictures only if my digicam stop doing Pangay with me :#) n a good amount of paisay in my pant's pocket. [mashAllah bolo :P )) ...and above all A Mind that has not even a single downbeat thought. feeling completely overwhelmed with my satisfaction towards life. paddling my own canoe. im content.

in other news i am learnng some huge lessons in trusting God in situations where things that you thought you could control and win over tower over your head with how much bigger they are than my abilities... praying.

more to add on, i keep having dreams and nightmares that blend my dreams into reality and i cannot tell what is real when i wake up with my heart pounding to its maximum MHz.. feeling like i never slept at all...

and this month i have realized how much i don't like being alone.
i also have stopped missing my gumshuda best buddy (aZ!) anymore. that is also supposed to be a plus point for my smiling, tingling face. the shine is back.


jia,
17:24

16 lend me some sugar.

.Safe.

"Thou art good when Thou givest, when Thou takest away, when the sun shines upon me, when night gathers over me, Thou hast loved me before the foundation of the world, and in love didst redeem my soul; Thou didst love me still, in spite of my hard heart, ingratitude, distrust. Thy goodness has been with me during another year leading me through a wilderness, in retreat making advance, when beaten back making sure headway. Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead; I hoist sail and draw up anchor, with Thee as the blessed pilot of my future as of my past. I bless Thee that Thou hast veiled my eyes to the waters ahead. If Thou hast appointed storms of tribulation, Thou wilt be with me in them; if I have to pass through tempests of persecution and desolation, I shall not drown; if I am to die, I shall see Thy face the sooner; if a painful end is to be my lot, grant me grace that my faith fail not; if I am to be cast aside from the service I love, I can make no stipulation: only glorify Thyself in me whether in comfort or trial, as a chosen vessel meet always for Thy use."


[from the valley of vision: a collection of puritan prayers and devotions, in elisabeth elliot secure in the everlasting arms]

2 lend me some sugar.
Saturday, August 12, 2006

umm?? ... kyun.. jia nay tumse kuch kaha kya?

1 lend me some sugar.
Friday, August 11, 2006

Afterglow ..

Here I am, lost in the light of the moon that comes through my window
Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses
It's you and the roses

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow

Here I am, lost in the ashes of time, but who wants tomorrow?
In between the longing to hold you again
I'm caught in your shadow, I'm losing control
My mind drifts away, we only have today

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way
I will sacrifice 'til the blinding day when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow

When the veils are gone as I let you go, as I let you go

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way, I will sacrifice
Now I'm living in your afterglow

Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses
It's you who is closest


- inxs.



[thanks goes to xain for sharing this luvly song :)]

1 lend me some sugar.
Thursday, August 10, 2006

Information Of The Day..

though im a day late, but still if you don't know it yet .. now we can use our same old blogspot url like we used to write (in our address bar) before that damned Israeli cartoon thingy. now you don't need to put those PKBLOGS thingy anymore,,, hurrah, (atleast) im happy for that.



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
P.s. [a reply to jonybr's comment]:
hmm.. atif mein mil hee jaon gee kahin na kahin, kisi na kisi rooz tou. :)

2 lend me some sugar.
Monday, August 07, 2006

[current mood sleepy, giggly ]
[listening to on fire -switchfoot]

*sticks her head out the window and drinks some rain* well i remember what i said in the middle of the night last night..

WHY DO I FEEL SO GOD DAMN SATISFIED TODAY???? i wish i could CAPTURE THIS FEELIN IN A BOTTLE AND UNLEASH IT WHEN I FEEL ALL SAD AND CRAP.

im feeling n thinking alot about it lately. well i have always thought about it, im just writing it down for the first time in a while, just my thoughts..they are just here for you to ignore them. bash them. n to look down at me, like always.

hmm.. i had a real good time with you, just like always. i don't know how to be true to my feelings though. i don't know if i can stay the same for long, but i just want to live these moments.. no more no less. lets just ignore the spectrum abhi..i want to think about nothing, life should be lived for right now. afterwards, i think that i've tried so hard to luv, so hard to care. n to be luved n cared.

so hard to accept that i ended up caring so much.
oh, and these rainy days.. i'll just sit up on a roof n watch them gleefully.

but, hey! this blog doesnt mean anything in the end. you better believe me. not.


good eve,
17:56

1 lend me some sugar.

Quote Of The Day...

I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.

-Pietro Aretino

0 lend me some sugar.

Hmmm Of The Day..

do you think you guys will find luv in the next 5 years? do you think i will find luv in the next 10 years?

0 lend me some sugar.

You are 67% Gemini -
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
What Your Soul Really Looks Like -
You are very passionate and quite temperamental. While you can be moody, you always crave comfort.
You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it.
You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself.
Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it.
For you, falling in love is all about the adventure and uncertainty. You can only fall in love with someone who keeps you guessing.

2 lend me some sugar.
Friday, August 04, 2006

`Sailaab uthanay kay liye hoslay ki zaroorut hoti hai,
khamosh paani mein tou rah chaltay bhi phaink diya kertay hain pathar akser... `

.....
duur kutto'n kay rounay ki awazein hain,
janay koun ajnabi kis gali se guzer raha hai..
paas hee ho rahi hai khat-pat see
shayad iss undhairay mein bhi
kisi udhoori imaarat per kaam ho raha hai

baarish guzray kuch haftay ho gaye hain..

phati saari pe rooi kay kuch ghuch'hay say
ya urhti huee kisi chadar kay tukray se ..
hunstay neelay aasmaan pe lugtay hain
aaj yeh baadal thoray ukhray ukhray se...

kabhi yunhi yahan chatth pe beth ker
chand ko nihaarna chahta hoon
hai mushkil phir bhi kabhi dour ker,
bikhri yeh roushni ..
haathon mein samaitna chahta hoon
na touko aaj mujhay.....
akailay mein iss doodh see chandni mein,
mei doobna chahta hoon ...


wasn't me.

1 lend me some sugar.


mehndi ..
Originally uploaded by xaveah.

0 lend me some sugar.
Thursday, August 03, 2006

listening to sub bhula ke by the band Call. - i have been obsessed with this song lately, no reason why really. perhaps my life lately has been lived in songs ...

PRETTY PICTURES..

by the way you know it still IS RAINING? n are you sleeping? Moron! get up dammit! the weather is just awesomely beautiful, so raspberry ... that i almost forget myself. just look at the sky today .... ah, so nice so nice.. so luvly. so impressive. so full of emotions.


just a drop of rain on my bone dry body.. n i'll be all soaked. with my inside out.

is theres anyone who could lay my hand on to walk by? is theres anyone who could move my wheelchair to it? is theres anyone i could go out with? i need a hand. i need to lean on. im so very handicapped. i wanna see a nude sky, i want to touch it. kiss me.

it's raining.



6:23am,

0 lend me some sugar.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006

[listening to dead man walking -mary chapin carpenter]

still not really writing in this thing,
but still am posting now and then hmm?..


i thought we were a perfect ''Friends Forever"

well.. last night i dream about aZ! [[(my f-r-i-e-n-d) "friend" i hope you heard that word before as well, n i hope you know the meaning too. i often repeats the word FRIEND's alphabets n smiles back on me]] it was so fcuking vague but i could see him clearly standing infront of me, just so silent... staring dead right into my eyes.. maybe trying to ask me so many unanswered questions. n then i saw myself moved on without conversing a single word, with dead dried eyes. - n then i woke up this morning holding my pillow so tightly ... didn't want to leave the bed... another broken morning,, ...... i hate myself for thinking about him again n again. i hate the fact that i still am thinking about him.. i hate the fact that i still give a damn when he doesn't...

i want to send back all the chat logs, mails, songs, yahoo offliners n those offliners also...THE offliners he used to write from australia.. though the fact was he was still in haripur (he never told me not even after the years, years after years? haha.. he never knew/shayad never really cared if (what IF?!) i already knew it. maybe i never worht it. im such a priceless bitch,, (thats what you name me when i finally react over? yea. the most wildest me. i was never that folded in covers) .......... .. those hallmark cards i once copied as print-screens, those old, 2004, 2005's comments he used to leave on my blog.. theres still so much to give, to return him back...

i have your each n everything still the same..
but i can't help it.. now i want a change.

shayad you forget i have a face that never lies.


i eat lies..
i had my last supper.
i wonder if i ever ..


nahe.. tum kuch mut kehna.
sssSHhhh ..... koi sunn lay ga. :)


jia,
____________
Untitled -
I've told you lies
Through my teethThrough my eyes
And you saw not through my shields
Everyone else did
Why did you have to trust me so much?
You should have known it would
Come to an end
But you didn't
And now I can't ask
For you to believe me
I've screwed up what was
What is, what could be

So just don't believe me
When I say it's the same.

0 lend me some sugar.

Thought Of The Day...

think i'll go out & embarass myself by getting drenched and falling down in the street; you say i choose sadness, that it never once has chosen me - well maybe you're right.

0 lend me some sugar.



Invitation to the Dance
by ASJ Tessimond

Enough, my brain, of these circles, circles.
Cease, caged enemy, cease.
Other have thought these thoughts before you.
Peace, brain; peace.

It has all been written in books, and better.
Come, let the tidal sweep
Of the music run through our veins' warm delta.
Sleep, brain; sleep.

Music will rise in us, rise like the dance of
Growth; like sap's long riot.
Limbs understand. Thighs have their language.
Quiet, brain; quiet.

Listen. This tune is a sea resolving
Crest upon breaking creast.
Feet weave a web that unweaves behind us.
Rest, brain; rest.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
10 most girlie (urdu) songs in my list today.. this evening,

1, ek sapna -stumped
2, rimm jhim rim jhim -1942 A love story
3, bhaage re mann -chameli
4, be'panah (suuna suuna) -krishna cottage
5, aa pas aa -ankahee
6, bheegi bheegi -gangster
7, aisa sama na hota -from some oldie goldie
8, chupke se -saathiya
9, pyaar kay isharay - phir milenge
10, ek pal kay liye - ankahee


hmm mara its raining.. :)
[IF saba would still be around, she'd be more than surprised to see me listing her songs.. haina? .... *smirk* i wonder.

17:01

4 lend me some sugar.

 
written by jia.

  ..so lately i have been in this stay-up-till 7am, ungrammatical, nostalgic, talk to myself. paranoid, insomniac, wide eyed, and a little intense. okie maybe little is an understatement. wish i knew if i wanted stability more than the complete range of emotions and melodrama. if only life could be summarized in one simple word...good or bad. -im too young to be stuck somewhere in the middle, sitting on a fence and whining about it. no, i cant write an intro for myself, hence i ask you to read the damn blog. maybe.. you'll find out more through my posts. n in the meanwhile take a panadol handy.. .

tell me you luv me..

Terror Alert Level -

Terror Alert Level

dynasty -

One crow sorrow
Two crows mirth
Three crows a joining
Four crows a birth
Five crows lucky
Six crows cold
Seven crows a secret
Never to be told

mantra -
 

- Lately...

 When I was a child
a story was told
about the devil
and a girl so bold.
He offered her riches,
a fortune of gold,
and lovers abound.
But she lifted her soul,
she lifted her soul clean.
Like the story was told
on a dark country road
the same man appeared to me...

But I reached, I reached
through the rain to the Devil's feet.

Now twenty years later
to the place I return where I scorned the angels
for a passion that burned.
There set in a tree
a knot twisted and turned,
the face of a creature Hell bound.
So long ago
could my mind've played jokes on me?
As darkness sets in,
unavoidable sin,
the truth I try not to believe....

That I reached, I reached
through the rain to the Devil's feet.

-by Azure Ray

 

ode to meaning..

_________________

One Tree Hill - New Zealand.
Dedicated to Xulfee Bhai, who chose to die in the Summer of 2003 Oct 7.

calm before the storm

_________________

Numb by Linkin Park

And i know
I may end up failing too
But i know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you..
I've become so Numb...I can't feel you there.

moon phase
 

calculated distractions

broken promises ..

said he: tum jaisay doosron say bhaagti ho aur chupati ho .. wohi mere saath bhi kiya....  "  

~*~  current mood ...

                 

coffee files...

'someone once said...

stains..