Tuesday, July 31, 2007

You'll always have the best of me. :)
You got it

0 lend me some sugar.

”Outside, somewhere near, the world would soon be waking. He had watched it wake from the window of this very room, day after day, stirring itself to another round of fruitless pursuits, and he’d known, known, that there was nothing left out there to excite him. No heat, only sweat. No passion, only sudden lust and just as sudden indifference. He had turned his back on such dissatisfaction. If in doing so he had to interpret the signs these creatures brought him, then that was the price of ambition. He was ready to pay it.

‘Show me’, he said.
‘There’s no going back. You do understand that?’
’Show me’




- Clive Barker, The Hellbound Heart



Ω

0 lend me some sugar.
Monday, July 30, 2007

[i stray alvida -life in a metro]
[i sway thinking n keeping my habbit alive.. ]

She lied awake at night ...

she sits and stares. the blank screen invites words but she can think of none.
she sits. bleeding.
smiling as she traces the pretty new marks he created in her skin.
the pain is comforting in a world that is turning ever more cold and lonely. :)

the screaming is a little quiter now. but there is guilt.
she loathes it and she grits her teeth as she smiles for them, yum.
she knows they are watching, n she tries her best to be a good girl.

she sits, and eating. alone.
she is sad and fat and diappointed.
she does not want to fail again.

too tired to sleep. too much to think about.
thoughts going round and round in her head.
they never make sense.

he lies.
every hour of everyday.
to his friends, to his family, to perfect strangers.
to himself.

he lies, and wonders what she is thinking.

and i can't keep doing that.
i can't keep relying on other people to pick me back off the floor for a couple of days before i fall again. AND I ALWAYS FALL AGAIN!

so im laying low for a while. i don't feel like i belong with YOU at all.

i just don't feel like im good enough for you.

..i have lot of things going round on my head.
and i just can't seem to make sense of any of it. i can't get it written down and out of my mind because everything is fcuking confusing n contradictory. it just turned into disillusioned ramblings.

my head is all over the fckuing place!!
n i just dunno what to do.

stay strong yellowlane!
all my luv to jia...


18:05

0 lend me some sugar.
Saturday, July 28, 2007


...... ...

0 lend me some sugar.

[listening to hunter ~dido]
[feel me strange]

who am I? in the grand scheme of things i really am nothing, but in the heavenly scheme of things other woman or not…i am His. i am called. i am an adopted daughter of the king. i am a princess. i am the crown of creation.. and when my heart fails within me i know that He is my portion. and He never changes. always and forever.

5:22

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


H u n t e r
by dido
[download]
With one light on
In one room
I know you're up
When I get home
With one small step
Upon the stair
I know your look
When I get there

If you were a king
Up there on your throne
Would you be wise enough to let me go For this queen you think you own

Wants to be a hunter again
I want to see the world alone again
To take a chance on life again
So let me go...

The unread book
And painful look
The TV's on
The sound is down
With one long pause
Then you begin
Oh look what
The cat's brought in

If you were a king
Up there on your throne
Would you be wise enough to let me go
For this queen you think you own

For the crown you've placed upon my head
Feels too heavy now
And I don't know what to say to you
But I'll smile anyhow
And all the time I'm thinking
Thinking...

I want to be a hunter again
I want to see the world alone again
To take a chance on life again
So let me go

0 lend me some sugar.
Friday, July 20, 2007

[mood discord]
[listening to hey there delilah - plain white T's]

not dead. was just technologically challenged. i had no computer access but well i got my access back now.

i have been super busy recently. n planning to be much busier so that i won't be counting the days when you are not around or treating me the way i never wanted to be. careless` is the word for you.. khair hai ...

life is otherwise pretty good... just in case you were wondering :)
in other news faiz is back in pakistan.. n i felt myself pretty excited for that. that was indeed a very pleasant surprise that night you gave me the msd call from your karachi wala number. i got dead shocked and came back to my senses after taking out couple of deep exhales. haha :) you are still my someone i care for, proud of, and wishes all the best for your life.

P.s. cheers goes to xain for sharing this song with me. (:


17:46

0 lend me some sugar.



luv ya. (:

0 lend me some sugar.
Saturday, July 07, 2007

Labels:

0 lend me some sugar.

The old man frowned. Signaling what? Clark was losing the thread of his story.

"I left my wife," Clark said more urgently, underscoring the words by rapping on the table with his butter knife. The candlelight flickered on the wall.

Finally, Wallace said, "That's it?"

"What?"

Penny put her hand on Clark's. "Oh dear," she said. "You haven't left her."

"What?" His voice rose. "I'm here, aren't I? I left."

"The moorings don't give just like that," Penny murmured. "You'll see."

"I see already!"

Penny gathered her hands in front of her calmly, and lowered her eyes as she spoke. Behind her, the waiters moved in the candlelight, quiet as fish.

"A person may create certain things," she began. "A person may create certain bonds that eventually surpass him in strength. The bond takes on a life of its own, like a third life, a child, you build between yourself and someone else. It's mightier than you'll ever be. It's half beautiful, half awful. It's love!" She laughed softly, shrugging. "But it's the only thing immortal about you. Even when you leave, it's still there. Even when you die, it's still there. Behind you, as smoke. Love smoke."


'O my darling...
by: amity gaige

0 lend me some sugar.
Friday, July 06, 2007

[mood
[music lift me up -fiona joyce (download)]
download rest of the album's 8 songs here.


there's something about your heart i don't like.

call your heart , in the middle of the night on the telephone
and listen to what it has to say
i am sure you'd be surprised...

0 lend me some sugar.

You're All Over the Floor

Every corner of this house
has the deposits you’ve left
behind. You are woven into my couch. You clog
the drain in my bathroom sink.
Flakes of your skin and hair
wander around in the stale sunlight
like lost tourists. I inhale your exhaust.
The dust I’m leaving behind
will intertwine with your dust.
Our bodies will dance without us being in the room.
When the dancing settles down we will hide in corners,
under tables, like children hiding from
strangers. Eventually, we will be
discovered. We will be swept up and forgotten –
then we will be one
like we always should have been.


~ Joseph Kerschbaum

0 lend me some sugar.

The Dwarf
Par Lagerkvist

Humanbeings need flattery; otherwise they do not fulfill their purpose, not even in their own eyes. And both the present and the past contain much that is beautiful and noble which, without due praise, would have been neither noble nor beautiful. Above all, they sing the praises of love, which is quite as it should be, for nothing else is in such need of transformation into something different. The ladies are filled with melancholy and their breasts heave with sighs; the men gaze vaguely and dreamily into space, for they all know what it is really like and realize that this must be an especially beautiful poem.

I also understand that there must be artists to paint religious pictures for the people, so that they may have something to worship which is not poor and dirty like themselves; beautiful, unearthly pictures of martyrs who, honored after execution, have been given costly garments and a gold ring around their pates, just as they too shall be honored after they have finished their miserable lives. Pictures which show the rabble that their God was crucified, and that it happened when He tried to do something here on earth, making them understand that there can be no hope down here. Those simple craftsmen are necessary to a prince, but I don't know what business they have here in the palace. They give people somewhere to dwell, a temple, a prettily decked torture chamber to which they can retire at any time to find peace, a place where their God hangs always upon his cross.

0 lend me some sugar.


Hamster ki billi ..
missing you.

0 lend me some sugar.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007

[music tera mera rishta -awarapan (OST)]
[feel me just not gonna let myself get too far down]


This is the tender ache of too much thinking.





SELF SABOTAGE





'if i find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
i can only conclude that i was not made for here.
if the flesh that i fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course i will feel nude when to where i'm destined i'm compared.


-

Sleep..yellowlane.
im just not feeling all that well.

0 lend me some sugar.

Question of the day...

is that love doesn't exist if you hate yourself?

0 lend me some sugar.

Quote of the day..

mujhe acha lagta hai noureen just to wait for you.

0 lend me some sugar.


Click the thumbnail.

0 lend me some sugar.

OUTSIDE -
by Staind
[Download]

And you
Can bring me to my knees
Yeah

All this time
That I could make you breathe
Yeah

All the times
That I felt insecure
Yeah

And I leave
A burning path of flame

I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All this time
That I felt like this won’t add
Once for you

And I taste
What I could never have
It’s from you

All those times
That I tried
My intentions
Full of pride
And I waste
More time than anyone

All the times
That I’ve cried
All that’s wasted
It’s all inside

And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It’s back again

And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can’t mend

And I feel
Tomorrow will be okay
But I know

That I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

0 lend me some sugar.
Monday, July 02, 2007

Inbetween feeling wrong and right..

0 lend me some sugar.

One pill makes you larger..
and your mind is moving low ...
n you know you're going to fall ....
don't do anything at all.

0 lend me some sugar.

things she couldn't say..






but i know she had something to say.


[feel me well..move on]
[listening to the way you are ~ 46bliss]

Put yourself.. put yourself in my place
Put yourself.. put yourself in my place
Put yourself.. put yourself in my place
Put yourself.. put yourself in my place
Put yourself.. put yourself in my place


-lines... repeating simultaneously in the song

0 lend me some sugar.

"'What would you say to a little game?' 'Is it a brain teaser?' 'Not really.' 'I like brain teasers.' 'So do I. But this isn't a brain teaser.' 'Bummer.' 'I'm going to say a word and I want you to tell me the first thing that comes to mind. You can say a word, a person's name, or even a sound. Whatever. There are no right or wrong answers here. No rules. Should we give it a try?' I said, 'Shoot.' He said, 'Family.' I said, 'Family.' He said, 'I'm sorry. I don't think I explained this well. I'll say a word and you tell me the first thing you think of.' I said, 'You said "family" and I thought of family.' He said, 'But let's try not to use the same word. OK?' 'OK. I mean, yeah.' 'Family.' 'Heavy petting.' 'Heavy petting?' 'It's when a man rubs a woman's VJ with his fingers. Right?' 'Yes, that's right. OK. There are no wrong answers. How about safety?' 'How about it?' 'OK.' 'Yeah.' 'Bellybutton.' 'Bellybutton?' 'Bellybutton.' 'I can't think of anything but bellybutton.' 'Give it a try. Bellybutton.' 'Bellybutton doesn't make me think of anything.' 'Dig deep.' 'In my bellybutton?' 'In your brain, Oskar.' 'Uh.' 'Bellybutton. Bellybutton.' 'Stomach anus?' 'Good.' 'Bad.' 'No, I meant "Good. You did good."' 'I did well.' 'Well.' 'Water.' 'Celebrate.' 'Ruff, ruff.' 'Was that a bark?' 'Anyway.' 'OK. Great.' 'Yeah.' 'Dirty.' 'Bellybutton.' 'Uncomfortable.' 'Extremely.' 'Yellow.' 'The color of a yellow person's bellybutton.' 'Let's see if we can keep it to one word, though, OK?' 'For a game with no rules, this game has a lot of rules.' 'Hurt.' 'Realistic.' 'Cucumber.' 'Formica.' 'Formica?' 'Cucumber?' 'Home.' 'Where the stuff is.' 'Emergency.' 'Dad.' 'Is your father the cause of the emergency, or the solution to it?' 'Both.' 'Happiness.' 'Happiness. Oops. Sorry.' 'Happiness.' 'I don't know.' 'Try. Happiness.' 'Dunno.' 'Happiness. Dig.' I shrugged my shoulders. 'Happiness, happiness.' 'Dr. Fein?' 'Howard.' 'Howard?' 'Yes?' 'I'm feeling self-conscious.'"


Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close - Jonathan Safran
Foer

0 lend me some sugar.
Sunday, July 01, 2007



lol ... ammi ka bellybutton *mwah muah muah* eee :O)
by me.

0 lend me some sugar.

[sound fan ... okie im going to play Paani paani re -lata mangeshker (OST: maachis)]
[feel chicken chilli with fried rice]

Pit-Patter
rain has descended again..

it was a cold gusty rain. much like Pooh's blustery day rain..brrr ...alone i was and all the raindrops keep on landing on my face like splinters. today it painted me blue.

and you have to wonder if there is a purpose to the losing. is it to teach us not to be careless? to be more faithful? to pay attention to where you are going instead of what is behind you? no, maybe they didn't have those things in Bible times, but you get the picture.

i want to be used by God to bless others the way He has blessed me.
i think i need more sleep or more caffeine. or both. true that.


-
and yes, there are other things, like keys that you can just get duplicates for. i know.

yea yellowlane, i know im getting excessively random everyday.. but it's all because i don't want to be focused you know.

5:26am

0 lend me some sugar.

Hehe.. :)

Your Hillbilly Name Is

Kissy Cissy Western

0 lend me some sugar.

*U m b r e l l a*
by rihanna
[Right click to download]

No clouds in my storms
Let it rain, I hydroplane in the bank
Coming down with the Dow Jones
When the clouds come we gone, we Rocafella
We fly higher than weather
And G5’s are better, You know me,
an anticipation, for precipitation. Stacked chips for the rainy day
Jay, Rain Man is back with little Ms. Sunshine
Rihanna where you at?

You have my heart
And we'll never be worlds apart
May be in magazines
But you'll still be my star
Baby cause in the dark
You can't see shiny cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share
Because

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

These fancy things, will never come in between
You're part of my entity, here for Infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart
Because

You can run into my arms
It's okay don't be alarmed
Come here to me
There's no distance in between our love
So go on and let the rain pour
I'll be all you need and more
Because

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

It's raining
Ooh baby it's raining
Baby come here to me
Come here to me
It's raining
Oh baby it's raining

1 lend me some sugar.

 
written by jia.

  ..so lately i have been in this stay-up-till 7am, ungrammatical, nostalgic, talk to myself. paranoid, insomniac, wide eyed, and a little intense. okie maybe little is an understatement. wish i knew if i wanted stability more than the complete range of emotions and melodrama. if only life could be summarized in one simple word...good or bad. -im too young to be stuck somewhere in the middle, sitting on a fence and whining about it. no, i cant write an intro for myself, hence i ask you to read the damn blog. maybe.. you'll find out more through my posts. n in the meanwhile take a panadol handy.. .

tell me you luv me..

Terror Alert Level -

Terror Alert Level

dynasty -

One crow sorrow
Two crows mirth
Three crows a joining
Four crows a birth
Five crows lucky
Six crows cold
Seven crows a secret
Never to be told

mantra -
 

- Lately...

 When I was a child
a story was told
about the devil
and a girl so bold.
He offered her riches,
a fortune of gold,
and lovers abound.
But she lifted her soul,
she lifted her soul clean.
Like the story was told
on a dark country road
the same man appeared to me...

But I reached, I reached
through the rain to the Devil's feet.

Now twenty years later
to the place I return where I scorned the angels
for a passion that burned.
There set in a tree
a knot twisted and turned,
the face of a creature Hell bound.
So long ago
could my mind've played jokes on me?
As darkness sets in,
unavoidable sin,
the truth I try not to believe....

That I reached, I reached
through the rain to the Devil's feet.

-by Azure Ray

 

ode to meaning..

_________________

One Tree Hill - New Zealand.
Dedicated to Xulfee Bhai, who chose to die in the Summer of 2003 Oct 7.

calm before the storm

_________________

Numb by Linkin Park

And i know
I may end up failing too
But i know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you..
I've become so Numb...I can't feel you there.

moon phase
 

calculated distractions

broken promises ..

said he: tum jaisay doosron say bhaagti ho aur chupati ho .. wohi mere saath bhi kiya....  "  

~*~  current mood ...

                 

coffee files...

'someone once said...

stains..