And i don't like what's going through this head.
Immersed, bargain hunter, self-centered, plastic filth or what.
Is mine. and so now im closing.
0 lend me some sugar.
Good Evening Yellowlane,
had a really deep sleep last night, n that was supposed to be a treat for sure. woke up calm (awes to hamster), and a bit early than my usual. had to go to maria's but want to stay back at home. the rumor that no one is coming this evening/satureday or call it my demised weekends is really calming my mind. atleast for some time now i want to be alone, with myself only. i want a change. n this is just how it has been on my mind lately. the conclusion is simple.
the life is getting too complicated to live in if you don't change. it disracts you from what is really happening. to help deal with your problems, your imperfections. people are different. there are too many expectations from too many places, and while i sat there and lied to you. you had no response. it was almost as though you believed me but i knew better than that. i still don't know how you believes it with my smiles. fading smiles. ..and then i feel dumb. just gotta keep fighting and running on my own alone. still wishing to get stronger and keep throwing my skinny fists into the heavens until one day my fangs reach the moon. - i know its exciting as it is difficult!! my mind is all entangling.
-
hmmm.. n well im all waiting to watch the ICC CWC final this evening. while the rest is voting for australia i think its gonna go to sri lanka this time. *roll eyes
16:24
haan shaam ho rahi hai.. :)
0 lend me some sugar.
The Emerald Effect
Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake.
Rabindranath Tagore.
0 lend me some sugar.
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
"What is vertigo? Fear of falling? Then why do we feel it even when the observation tower comes with a sturdy handrail? No, vertigo is something other than the fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves."
. Milan Kundera .
0 lend me some sugar.
haan meinay torr diya ... n glad i was to know it still bleeds red!! :)
nd i had no idea how easy, painless will it go, how i still remember to slit the fingertip . aur ab i don't know whether to celebrate or mourn. -Shamelessly Shameful.
0 lend me some sugar.
Quote Of The Day ...
pata hai mei harr baar kehta hu n it still holds true... with every passing day my love for u has kept increasing..it still is increasing with every moment : ) .. yaar it is just like walking down a lane with your hand in mine... bus chorne ko dil nahi karta : )
I LOVE U : )
-
somebuddy to cute lil dolphin.
Stolen.
0 lend me some sugar.
Serenade
by Terrance Hayes
I want to always sleep beneath a bright red blanket
of leaves. I want to never wear a coat of ice.
I want to learn to walk without blinking.
I want to learn the language of a Chilean poet.
I want to say God & fuck you & touch me
without blinking. I want to outlive the turtle
& the turtle's father, the stone. I want a mouth
full of permissions & a pink glistening bud.
If the wildflower & ant hill can return
after sleeping three seasons, I want to walk
out of this house wearing nothing but wind.
I want to greet you, I want to wait for the bus with you
weighing less than a chill. I want to fight off the bolts
of gray lighting the alcoves & winding paths
of your hair. I want to fight off the damp nudgings
of snow. I want to fight off the wind.
I want to be the wind & I want to fight off the wind
with its sagging banner of isolation, its swinging
screen doors, its gilded boxes, & neatly folded pamphlets
of noise. I want to fight off the dull straight lines
of two by fours & endings, your disapprovals,
your doubts & regulations, your carbon copies.
If the locust can abandon its suit,
I want a brand new name. I want the pepper's fury
& the salt's tenderness. I want the eight-sided passion
of sugar, but not its need. I want the virtue
of the evening rain, but not its gossip.
I want the moon's intuition, but not its questions.
I want the malice of nothing on earth. I want to enter
every room in a strange electrified city
& find you there. I want your lips around the bell of flesh
at the bottom of my ear. I want to be the mirror,
but not the nightstand. I do not want to be the light switch.
I do not want to be the yellow photograph
or book of poems. When I leave this body, Woman,
I want to be pure flame and song. I want to be your breath.
0 lend me some sugar.
Quote Of The Day...
It comes in different shapes, sizes, and colors. One can go hunting for it all over the place and never find it. And one may run into it when and where one least expects it. So elusive is this thing called friendship. One cannot judge or grade it basis number of meetings or the amount of time spent together. Sometimes one just connects. Sometimes they just touch one’s heart. Sometimes they just make one’s lips curl in a smile. And that’s why they are called friends. :)
0 lend me some sugar.
chund lumhaat kay waastay hee sahi
muskura ker mili thi mujhay zindagi
teri aagosh mein din thay mere katay
teri baahon mein thein meri raatein kati
mere kaandhay per sar ko jhukana tera
mere seenay mein khud ko chupana tera
aa kay meri panahon mein sham-o-sahar
kaanch ki terhan woh toot jana tera ...
dard mein bhi yeh lub muskra jaatay hain
.......
beete lumhay - the train
[right click n save the song]
chund lumhaat kay waastay hee sahi
muskura ker mili thi mujhay zindagi.. :)
0 lend me some sugar.
[listening to abhi nahe aana -sona]
[current mood daddy's little girl is not feeling so fine]
Replacing one addiction for another..
surprisingly my day was as exact bad as i expected it to be. had a fight with ammi just before my morning tea. in evening i even offend bhai with my bad temperament n didnt even feel sorrie for that.. at night... took around half a strip of poor sleeping pills that couldnt zonk me for more than a hour or so n then i was lying on my bed wide awake, sat in the dark of my bedroom and cried. and bled. (no i did not have my blades with me :) and felt the emptiness inside. now its 5 something in the morning and i just got out of the bed. listening to abhi nahe aana on repeat and observing how im just luving the smoothness of its guitar spells. wishing someone would ask me about it all so i can rant and scream and get it all out. but they wont ... so i'll do it in more silent ways.
after posting my yellowlanes last night i thought long and hard about where im going. what i want, and where i'd gone wrong. but found no clue. been constantly fighting to keep myself going. i want to run, just run from everything n everyone. from myself. - my head is everywhere at the moment. can't i just contain it all within? why the hell have i started reacting so much? mei aisi tou nahe thi ...i just have to regain the control. .. i want a squeezing hug from my hamster. want to hide myself in someone's arms n cry till i ...
this wasn't ever supposed to happen.
i was supposed to protect my hamster from myself.
n i know my behaviour n reactions are stinging `em like anything.
on a lighter side.. nadia bought me this new pair of beautiful handmade chappal from Islamabad. :) which is looking not so good on me eh :# haha .. :)
5:28am
0 lend me some sugar.
The Last Unicorn -
Peter S. Beagle
"I know you. I almost knew you as soon as I saw you on the road, coming to my door with your cook and your clown. Since then, there is no movement of yours that had not betrayed you. A pace, a glance, a turn of the head, the flash of your throat as you breathe, even your way of standing perfectly still-- they were all my spies."
0 lend me some sugar.
[hearing abhi nahi aana -sona]
[feeling disruptive]
holding myself to be accountable ....
(a building up of emotions with no exit or escape)
Wish List?
jitna sub kuch sunbhaalnay ki koshish ker rahi hon utna bigarta ja raha hai.. koi ek sira tou haath aye kisi ek souch ka... koi ek baat tou mukammal ho paye mere demagh mein kabhi. pata nahe kya hai ..... sub kuch chor diya, infact sub ko chor diya phir bhi wohi restlessness, 2 din ka sakoon aur phir se wohi uljha hua demagh..wohi uljhan,, wohi bina neend ki raatein, wohi bar baar soutay soutay achanak jaag jana.. kuch bhi tou nahe budla ... huha. pata nahe kya darr hai, kya problem hai.
im so in a... in a bit of a... weird?... situation at the time... wonder if anyone can help me out at all. or at least help to make me feel better about it! haha nahe i guess maybe it isn't that weird a situation really, in the general scheme of things... just weird for me! not the kind of thing that happens every day (or ever, for that matter!)
it apprears i fell into writing without realizing it. n now its hampering me .. kabhi kabhi kitna chota sa sub kuch bhi kehna, sumjhana kitna mushkil ho jata haina? ... baat yeh haina kay mei chahti hee kis ko sumjhana hon... apnay aap ko? haan sirf mei hee tou hon .. per samajhti hee nahe. magar oh well, i'd like to be able to remember a time where life wasn't so complicated. :)
i just thought i was multi tasking instead i ended up messing with my yellowlane ... well... magar to be very honestly what i have to say is confusing and im not talking about it on here directly... - i wonder what it is like to believe that mutilation is disturbing rahter than beautiful. i'd like to get a little sleep at night. i wish i wouldnt talk to myself quite so much and think things over again n again until nothing quite makes sense anymore.
where i didn't know i was ugly and strange, and where my happiness didnt depend so much on other people's judgements.. or myabe my own. i want a perfect body. i want a simple soul. i wish being with jia didnt hurt quite so much.
i'd like to have a stronger resolve. if i could accept myself, maybe other people could begin to ... kuch nahe.. chalo chaltay hain ab yahan se. why do i even bother trying to sort my disability out. fcuk. :)
but i can't help being jealous of you.
WHY ME?! - 'i yield myself one minute.
i dont' belong here,
n i don't care if it hurts...
anymore.
g'night.
6:24 am-
0 lend me some sugar.
One moment of luv, exposed..
could change your life... One beautiful mind -
should it be fair to fill it with passionate ecstasy that never stops and continues to light long after the materialistic world last experienced it?` hmm?
0 lend me some sugar.
[current mood 
uncomfortable, n im terrible at going to bed at a normal hour, c'mon you know that.. ah, :) ]
[listening to inn dinoo -life in a metro]
n you know im just ..... nothing.
..restless..listless..discontent..
:)(:
0 lend me some sugar.
''kahin tou dil mei yaadon ki ek sooli garh jati hai
kahin her ek tasveer buhat hee dhundli parr jati hai
koi nayee dunya kay naye rangon mei khush rehta hai
koi sub kuch paa kay bhi yeh mann hee mann kehta hai
kahin tou beetay kul ki jarrein dil mei hee uter jati hain
kahin jo dhaagay tootein tou maala'yein bikhar jati hain
koi dil mei jaga nayee baaton k liye rakhta hai
koi apni palkoon per yadoon kay diye rakhta hai
kehnay ko saath apnay ek dunya chalti hai
per chuph kay iss dil mei tanhaiee pulti hai' ..
-
lines from the song mei jahan rahon by rahat fateh ali khan
OST Namastay london.
0 lend me some sugar.
The Boy Inside the Turtle
Yesterday was an extra-long day
for the boy with no arms
or legs. Neighborhood children
played outside his window.
A soft machine, they circled,
joined hands, closed eyes,
jumped up and down: shoelaces,
giggles moving in time.
One caught the boy peering.
The boy contorted out of sight,
his breaths lumped on one another
like cows in a meat house.
He twisted too slow. Look,
it's the turtle! The children
gassed like an audience
responding to a laugh sign.
He shifted his weight left to right
back left, again right,
then fell from his chair—a pilot
bailing out of a crashing plane.
He was familiar with this
falling. So was his mother.
She'd surrounded his chair
with six layers of towels.
He waited there like a spilled bucket
of green paint. When he no longer heard
any semblance of playing,
he called his mom for help.
-Jeffrey McDaniel
0 lend me some sugar.
The Velveteen Rabbit -
Margery Williams
"What is Real?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
"I suppose you are Real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.
"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."
0 lend me some sugar.
..so lately i have been in
this stay-up-till 7am, ungrammatical, nostalgic, talk to myself. paranoid, insomniac, wide eyed, and a little intense. okie maybe little is an
understatement. wish i knew if i wanted stability more than the complete range of emotions and
melodrama. if only life could be summarized in one simple word...good or bad. -im
too young to be stuck somewhere in the middle, sitting on a fence and whining
about it. no, i cant write an intro for myself, hence i ask you to read the damn
blog. maybe.. you'll find out more through my posts. n in the meanwhile take a panadol handy.. .
tell me you luv me..
Terror Alert Level -
One crow sorrow
Two crows mirth
Three crows a joining
Four
crows a birth
Five crows lucky
Six crows cold
Seven crows a
secret
Never to be told
- Lately...
When I was a child
a story was told
about the devil
and a girl so bold.
He offered her riches,
a fortune of gold,
and lovers abound.
But she lifted her soul,
she lifted her soul clean.
Like the story was told
on a dark country road
the same man appeared to me...
But I reached, I reached
through the rain to the Devil's feet.
Now twenty years later
to the place I return where I scorned the angels
for a passion that burned.
There set in a tree
a knot twisted and turned,
the face of a creature Hell bound.
So long ago
could my mind've played jokes on me?
As darkness sets in,
unavoidable sin,
the truth I try not to believe....
That I reached, I reached
through the rain to the Devil's feet.
-by Azure Ray
_________________
One Tree Hill - New
Zealand.
Dedicated to Xulfee Bhai, who chose to die in the Summer of 2003 Oct 7.
calm before the storm
_________________
Numb by Linkin Park
And i know
I may end up failing too
But i know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you..
I've become so Numb...I can't feel you there.
said he: tum jaisay doosron say bhaagti ho aur chupati ho .. wohi mere saath bhi kiya.... "
~*~ current mood ...
